we don't have to play by their rules

what i want to know is when exactly did i get to be so boring?

i've spent way too much time cooped up in the house, playing by everyones rules. being on relatively good behavior lately i would say its certainly time to switch things up a bit, resort slightly back to the old me. the me who took risks, acted foolish, and simply did not care. obviously i'm not going to be quite as crazy as i once was because believe me, there was a point in time where i was literally out of control. just ask one of my many witnesses. but i've just been so caught up in the fear of disappointing people, and have been appeasing people for all the wrong reasons for far too long. its time to own up to what i want out of life, and since it is just that- my life, i shouldn't be afraid to live the way i choose or let anyone stop me from being well, me. this fear and the restraints others have put on me, need to be broken. broken before i lose my mind. i can feel the control slipping away, my frustrations overtaking me and my self restraint which has kept me sane these few months, slowly beginning to fade.

this new found freedom from weights i myself did not know i had, has left me with high hopes. holding back, for whatever reason, is something i've struggled with for a long time. but no longer am i going to let that stop me.

i think a lot of this has to do simply with the fact that i'm looking for a change. being too settled in my ways makes me uneasy, for some unknown reason i wish i knew the answer to. maybe the answer is simple- i tend to view things in a "the grass is always greener" type of way, no matter how much i wish i didn't. typical, always wanting what i can't have. but how many times do i have to learn the lesson that often what i desire is not truely what i want in the end. because its something, i feel, i have already learned over and over but obviously it still hasn't quite stuck, not yet that is. my new adopted motto to life: just be who you are and do what you want, say what you feel, no matter what


"today you are you, that is truer than true. there is no one alive who is youer than you." - Dr. Seuss.